Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
