I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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