Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
