I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
