Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
