i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
