I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
