my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
