he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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