Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
