My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
