It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
