What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
