Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
