You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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