Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I wear drunk well.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
