Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
