I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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