I'd wear matching sweaters with you
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
