Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
