Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
