just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
