Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
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