I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
