you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
