I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
i think i just lost a toe
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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