He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
