He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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