Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
