Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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