Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
