I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
