When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
