She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
