I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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