I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
