I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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