I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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