dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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