I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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