Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
