Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
