OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
