Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
