Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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