I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
