i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize