just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
