I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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