fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
