sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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