My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
