the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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