Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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