I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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