my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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