I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize