every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
