Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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