i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Randomize
